During your lifetime, you’ll spend about 117 days having sex. And why wouldn’t you? Orgasms cure most of your woes, and feel amazing. Outdoor sex adds another layer of seduction. Being out in the open taps into your most primal instincts. We did, after all, propagate the species in nature’s bedroom.
All that said, there’s a time and place for sex outside. And seven feet shy of those unsuspecting boy scouts might not be the time. Or place.
Outdoor sex can be a mind-blowing experience between two (or three) consenting adults. Camping sex is especially hot after a day convening with nature. With some foresight, you can have your cake and eat it too, with consideration of your outdoor pals.
Here's how to have amazing sex outside while minimizing blunders or interruptions.
How to Have Amazing Outdoor Sex
The two things I know best are sex and the outdoors. As a former sex researcher and an outdoor writer, this article combines my two first loves. Follow these steps to sensational outdoor sex, sans embarrassment or law enforcement.
1. Be comfortable
Bring a blanket if you plan on doing the horizontal hula. Unless you like foreign objects lodged in random crevices. Sex on the beach sounds romantic but digging sand from your ass isn't. If you don't have a blanket, you can do the vertical tango against a tree, bush, or other large feature. Wrap yourselves around each other to avoid objects aiming for your holes.
2. Opt for Accessibility
Wear comfortable or easy-access clothing: skirts, shorts, tearaways, and soft fabrics. Help bring velcro back in style! The easier it is to remove from your supple body, the faster you can get down to business.
3. Be Courteous
Be respectful of your neighbors during tent sex. Turn off your lantern, the light illuminates everything. As difficult as it is in the midst of camping sex, try to be quiet. The wholesome family next to you may not want to sleep to the sounds of your orgasmic lullaby. And if you're nowhere near people, use that lantern for some fun photo ops.
4. Location, location, location
Stay at least 200 feet from trails, junctions, open spaces, outlooks, points of interests, or water. And private land; unless you’re near the Bundy residence. They deserve it. Make sure you’re hidden- in a tent, bushes, or trees- which help muffle sounds too. Pick a spot that allows you to see someone coming before they see you. Getting arrested is a surefire mood killer.
5. Ignore the critters
Pay no mind to the critters and bugs. First of all, you probably imagined them. And if you do pick up a hitchhiker, they likely won’t stay long. Besides, can you blame them for wanting a little side action? You sexy thang, you.
6. Get proper gear
Invest in a 2-person sleeping bag (or quilt). Camping sex is great in close quarters, but shoving two people into a mummy bag only works if you’re both small enough to join the circus. Most people have more fun with a little space to romp and roll.
7. Respect the environment
Please don’t light the forest on fire. Sex by candlelight is super hot. But if you bring candles into a forest, you’re asking for trouble. Outdoor sex is better with a campfire. Put that thing out all the way unless you want a threesome with Smokey.
8. Be in the moment
Be in the present. Stop worrying about the oven, or if you’ll get caught. You’re in it now. Strip your inhibitions like you stripped your base layer, this is where you’re meant to be! A wise philosopher once said, "You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
9. Bring provisions
Come prepared with supplies. Make room in your pack for condoms, lube, and toys. Think about wet wipes or sex rags. And you may want knee pads (amirite?) and food to rejuvenate you for round three. But don’t leave anything behind. Our little friend the latex condom has trouble decomposing. Go on, pull up a quick mental image of a cute little bear cub finding it and licking that delicious…. That’s it; you’ve got the idea. Pack it out.
10. Rinse and repeat
Try again if it doesn’t work out this time. That’s the great thing about outdoor sex; you can do it more than once. Happy humping! :-)
Is there anything you would add to this list? Let us know in the comments.